1) Taking it Personally
You know when she's upset with you? It's not really about you. Well, it is if you've done something wrong, but really it's about the state of the relationship.
Everybody has a different level of sensitivity towards criticism, but intimate relationship is where criticism is most likely to hit us right in the part of us where our inner child lives... that place where all your unprocessed feelings of shame and not being good enough live.
Most men, after not effectively re-framing criticism become hypersensitive to it over time. And when their inner child gets kicked in the balls, they run and hide or fight back.
She doesn't think you're a loser. If she's with you, she doesn't really believe this. Most likely is that she can see (better than you) what your full potential is and rightly just wants you to live up to it.
You can see her upsets as warning bells telling you that you're slacking in certain areas of your life (because you most likely are, even if you're killing it in other areas like work or sport).
If you can say that you are truly giving your all in the relationship (or whatever area she's aiming criticism at), then it's not impossible that she's just wired for negativity and abuse. In which case, as difficult as may well be, it's time to go.
But in my experience, honestly, it's most likely that you could be making more effort. Don't take it personally. Acknowledge it, adjust course, carry on.
2) Numbing and Distracting
The masculine part of us likes to reduce everything thing down into nothingness. When it comes to drama, feminine energy makes it bigger, goes deeper into and feeds it. The masculine takes pleasure in making it go away.
And so when there's shit on at home, when a man is feeling injured and/or overwhelmed, he often leaves, then the mistake he makes is to numb or distract himself with something irrelevant to the problem. TV, computer games, even work.
You may well need to initiate a timeout if there's fighting, but what you should be doing with that space is using it to get into a better state, find out what's going on with you and how you feel and get back on track with your relationship's meaning and purpose. Then when you're ready, go back to your partner with the intent to validate her feelings and have yours validated too.
3) Inconsistency and Emotional Flaccidity
She wants to feel your strength and integrity. When you're late, when you forgot the thing, when you said you'd do something when you didn't really mean it... you've lost integrity. I find it helpful to think of integrity not just from the behavioural point of view, but structural. As in, the 'structural integrity' of a building. If a structure loses integrity, it collapses, because it's weak.
I don't want to be weak. And neither do you. And she doesn't want you to be, either! In fact, as mentioned before, she knows you're really not. So when you have moments of weakness as we all do... she'll let you know.
Again, hear her request not the criticism. Your weakness - by not keeping your word, by losing the integrity of your will - has been highlighted. Don't beat yourself up and don't let her beat you up. Step up!
4) Thinking She Thinks Like You
You could have been keeping your word, been on time, followed through and everything else absolutely spot-on for the entire length of your relationship. But the day you slip, and she lets you know about it, don't be surprised if the vibe she's giving you is one that feels like she's forgotten your perfect past behaviour. Because in that moment, she kind of has.
The feminine doesn't operate in the same time and space that the masculine does. The feminine feels into the moment and what is happening now. Especially into the current state of the relationship. If you've gone off course, then right now the relationship is actually in trouble. And she'll reflect this to you. You not keeping your word - even if for the first time ever - screams to her that there's a problem in the relationship.
Remember, she's reflecting the feeling of what's happening now and her sensitivity to it should be utilized by us because we rarely have the same ability to sense that deeply. Don't judge her because she's not taking the 'bigger picture' into consideration.
5) Pleasing
Your job isn't to keep her happy. Your job is more like being the masculine energy she needs... which in turn will actually make her happy.
What she doesn't want is for you to say yes to everything, to agree to whatever she thinks and feels, to walk on egg shells or avoid upsetting her.
In fact, this will drive her nuts. Again... it's the emotional flaccidity thing.
If she's wrong, if she's out of line, or making a mistake... don't pretend she's not. Your fear of upsetting her (or your giving-in to your masculine trait of not wanting to make 'drama') will make her feel unsafe, and so the problem actually becomes worse.
Experiment with becoming more assertive (not aggressive or arrogant).
So you can probably see the re-occurring theme in these mistakes. They all revolve around losing integrity in some way, your partner reacting to this, then you having unhelpful reactions to her reactions.
And who said men have it easy?!
It's not easy being a man, it really isn't. And that's why I do what I do. To help men fuck up less. That's right... yes I help men reveal and hone their inner samurai to take their lives and relationships to another level. But they still get it wrong. Often. Just like I do.
Acknowledge it, adjust course, carry on...
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Thanks for reading!
Sharif
