Originally a post in our women-only Facebook group
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THE D-WORD 💔
Beth and I are both children of divorce.
Our experiences of those relationships ending are at the heart of our personal life stories.
And we can say that the reason we’re able to help so many people create happy, healthy, spiritual partnerships now is because of those experiences…
Or more specifically, the immense HEALING that had to take place because of those experiences…
That in truth, we are still healing to this day in subtle ways, and will be for the rest of our lives.
Witnessing my parents’ (in the pic) relationship collapse is what planted the seed for this work in my mind. I can honestly say that I have been analyzing people and relationships from the age of 5.
And that curiosity hasn’t gone away. But now that I’ve got human behaviour sussed out, my curiosity now goes to the NUMBERS; the stats and hard data around this topic.
Which, thanks to the super power of AI search engines, I am able to obtain in a fraction of the time this used to take me.
And below, I’m sharing just a fraction of what I found (the more interesting points) that back up what I have observed to be true with my own eyes, having been looking at this subject my whole life...
And experiencing firsthand being raised by a single mother.
HEALTH CHALLENGES
Depression - Rates of clinical depression are 2-3 times higher post-divorce for both men and women. It's a major risk that can persist for years.
Rates of General Anxiety Disorder are 50% higher in divorced adults versus continuously married. (Weitoft et al., 2003)
Within 5 years of divorce, rates of overweight and obesity increased by 27% for men and 50% for women in one study group. (Block et al., 2008)
Insomnia is typically more persistent for women after divorce. One study found nearly 2/3 of divorced women experienced chronic insomnia 1 year post-split, versus only 1/3 of divorced men. (Troxel, W. M., Buysse, D. J., Hall, M., & Matthews, K. A. 2009)
FINANCIAL SAFETY
Financial insecurity in old age - Women especially face higher risks of poverty in retirement years due to disrupted career/pension plans from divorcing later in life versus remaining in an intact first marriage. (Smock, P. J., & Greenland, F. R. 2010)
On average, divorced women experience a 15-20% reduction in lifetime earnings and accumulated assets due to lost years spent out of the workforce caring for children.
Housing cost burden - Most American single mothers and their children live in poverty after divorce, struggling with rent/mortgage. 50% of divorced women experience Housing Hardship (paying >30% income to housing). (Smock, P. J., Manning, W. D., & Porter, M. 2005)
CHILDREN’S EMOTIONAL WELLBEING
Parental divorce can influence relationship patterns for generations. Children of divorce have greater odds of having children who divorce themselves versus children from intact families. (Amato, P. R., & Cheadle, J. 2005)
Adult children whose parents divorced had a 33% higher risk of divorcing their own spouse compared to adults from continuously married families.
One study found young adults ages 18-25 from divorced families were 2-3 times more likely to be victims of physical dating violence than those from intact families. (Amato & Keith, 1991)
CHILDREN’S SUCCESS IN LIFE
One review of over 60 studies found that, on average, children of divorce tend to achieve 1/3 to 1 grade level lower than their peers from intact marriages. (Amato & Keith, 1991)
Children from divorced homes are less likely to achieve significant degrees/certifications or higher-status occupations compared to peers from intact families. (Amato, 2005)
Financial instability long-term is observed, including less savings/investments, wealth accumulation, and homeownership rates among adults from divorced backgrounds. (Smock et al., 1999)
DIVORCED HUSBANDS
Divorced men exhibit higher risks of health/lifestyle issues like substance abuse for a longer period post-divorce compared to women. (Bossarte, R. M., & Silenzio, V. M. B. 2018)
Men on average become involved in a new committed partnership around 2 years after divorce, whereas divorced women average around 3 years before entering a new long-term relationship.
Non-residential fathers are less likely to maintain close bonds with children over time compared to children living with their dad. (Amato et al., 1995)
In 2020, divorce was associated with 75% of male suicides in the United States (CDC, 2020)
LOVE AFTER DIVORCE
60-70% of post-divorced women who do repartner end up in a cohabiting relationship first rather than remarriage, showing issues like loss of trust in commitment. (Kennedy & Ruggles, 2014)
Around 15-25% of divorced women over 40 never form a new live-in union, citing factors like independence, parental responsibilities, and reluctance to compromise again. (Brown & Lin, 2012)
Women's sexual satisfaction and frequency tends to drop significantly in new relationships compared to when married. Rebuilding physical/emotional intimacy takes time. (Carrobles & Gámez-Guadix, 2014)
Parenting stressors and responsibilities make it harder for divorced mothers to allocate focus and energy into romance versus children's needs. Dating is often deprioritized. (Williams, 2003)
[But…]
Qualitative research has found some children feeling "replaced" by having less love/attention due to dating. (Cartwright, C. 2006)
[This 👆 was a major trauma for me – my mum medicating her pain with men]
NOT ALL BAD NEWS…
Most long-term relationships really do not need to end. This has been proven to us, and by us, over and again.
It’s simply that they didn’t have the knowledge, skills, and inner resources necessary for healthy love.
People just aren’t taught these things. And the biggest travesty of that, is that none of it is rocket science! As any of our graduates will tell you – it’s all surprisingly simple.
Not easy, but simple.
And as for those times where that relationship ending is what Love wanted to happen…
It’s the same.
Not every married woman we work with stays married, although MOST do.
And when that’s the case, the way she avoids her or her children becoming one of the above statistics is EXACTLY the same process that would have turned that troubled relationship into a loving spiritual partnership – IF that’s what was meant to happen.
You see, none of these stats are really about being married or not.
They are about coming home to yourself.
Because whether we’re talking about transforming a marriage, or moving on to a new life and love of safety, abundance, and joy…
The linchpin is you and your SELF-RELATIONSHIP.
Just leaving an unhappy relationship does NOT automatically up-level your life. Without doing the self-loving self-work, it is a recipe for future misery - the truth behind of all the above stats.
And this is the unfortunate mistake my mum made (because she just didn’t know).
My parents probably were in the ‘needs to end’ category.
But sadly, we’ll never know, because the knowledge, skills, and inner resources were never obtained by either of them.
And while I managed to turn all my trauma into gold, and my dad eventually learned what he needed to create a second happy marriage at the age of 65, the sad part is that my mum never did come home to herself.
She went home to her creator at the age of 56.
And in the 21 years I got to spend with her on this planet, I can honestly say I never saw her truly happy… ever. Not once.
Simply remaining with my dad would not have changed that.
For the same reason that none of the men she connected with after him brought her happiness either.
In the end, ladies, the BEAUTIFUL truth is this…
Whatever life has in store for you, there is only ONE thing that needs to happen.
To transform a marriage… to be ready for new healthy love… to prevent your kids becoming a statistic…
One thing.
Come home to yourself 🙏💙
