Art By Roberto Ferri
Men are fucked.
In whatever way you take that to mean, it’s probably true.
But specifically, we’re in big trouble in terms of identity and knowing our place in the world. As I mention frequently, the male suicide rate is at a 19-year high. This is no small matter.
We are hurting. But here’s the real kicker...
WE ARE ALL REPULSED BY A MAN WHO FEELS SORRY FOR HIMSELF.
Don’t bullshit me with the fact that you know men have feelings too and that you are prepared to hold space for a man who is feeling down... that may be true (and thank you btw), but it is ALSO true that if a man is in a state of collapse, in that moment, you can’t rely on him. He’s perfectly useless as far as any responsibility goes.
So while you may be able to create a safe space for a man to be vulnerable in, if he’s a man who is very close to you, there is at best a time-limit on how long he can be in that state of collapse. And the closer he is to you, the shorter that time is.
If you’re his therapist/coach/facilitator, or a complete stranger, the sand-dial is a big one with plenty of time.
But if he’s your dad (and you’re a child or living from your inner child in that moment), or if he’s your husband/partner, the sand-dial is very small.
There’s a great episode of friends where Rachel is dating a guy played by Bruce Willis. He’s a hard man who opens up emotionally, much to her delight as she feels more connected to him. The scene then cuts to him still crying on her shoulder hours later, with her thoroughly bored, disappointed, turned-off and looking at her watch.
And this isn’t because she’s a shallow woman. And it’s not just due to a toxic big-boys-don't-cry culture.
This is deep caveman / cavewoman shit 🐒
In the tribe/pack, if a male is debilitated in any way, he’s a liability. He can’t protect the kids, provide for the women or fight alongside the men. And therefore, he’s perfectly useless. Harsh, but true 🤷🏻♂️
So creating a culture that acknowledges that men have feelings is important and... nice 👍🏼
But it’s not the solution.
The truth is, it’s not down to the women or men in a man’s life to address this issue – it's down to HIM.
And what it comes down to, unfortunately, isn’t as simple as a technique or process. It’s a frikkin art. And one that takes a long time to master. And one that doesn’t have many of us who can teach it.
👑 Rather than trying to never collapse, it’s about being able to feel when it is approaching...
👑 The sensitivity to feel when the spine is being forced into straightness as opposed to being naturally erect.
👑 Having the WISDOM to then set or request a time and space in which to go into collapse, and choosing the BEST person for that, if anyone is required at all.
👑 Having the self-sovereignty to own the collapsed state and not look for someone else to make it go away. And the mindfulness to feel when we are looking outside ourselves, expecting ‘them’ to heal us.
👑 The internal fire to bring energy and vitality back into the spine once the grief has moved through and out of the body... and return to one’s place in the tribe and back to one’s duties. Without complaint.
It comes down to Embodiment. And as much as therapy is good and the stigma is being lifted... a traditional therapist can’t teach you embodiment.
Time for men to get into the feels. But in a very specific and artful way – The Way of the Martial Heart 🖤🔥
