(Originally an FB post - where I post more content than here on the website. Follow/Add me if you haven’t done so yet)
*There but Not There*
The man who stays in a relationship because he is too afraid to leave. He is afraid of the unknown; the uncertainty of a life in which his co-dependency doesn’t have a guaranteed source to feed off of. He’ll let you think he’s a loyal partner because he’s been in the relationship for so long, but in truth this is the man who cheats the most. He may or may not cheat physically, but he is likely emotionally cheating constantly. Maybe a friendship with a female colleague that has an emotional connection that his partner wouldn’t be OK with if she knew about it (and he knows that). A porn habit she wouldn’t be OK with if she knew about (and he knows that). Or maybe he cheats on her every day in fantasy. In his imagination, he’s left her and replaced her a hundred times.
*Not There and Doesn’t Pretend to Be*
There is the man who won’t enter into a committed relationship because he can’t ‘do’ that relationship without either leaving, sabotaging or staying with a feigned commitment like the man who’s ‘there but not there’. It is ultimately because he lacks the masculine capacity to commit and the emotional intelligence to navigate the inevitable difficulties a committed relationship will face. Sometimes, he knows this is the case and is honest about that. Increasingly, though, this man will try to convince you that his ‘poly’ lifestyle is the higher path.
*There*
With ever-decreasing numbers in society, there are the few men who can do commitment. Their relationship to themselves is such that they don’t get lost in relationship to another. They do not become someone’s ‘other half’ and nor do they seek someone to complete them. They are complete. Their sense of self-worth is such that they do not ‘settle’; they choose someone who matches them in many ways and challenges them in others. Their nervous system is strong enough such that they can commit fully even if it’s not easy. Yet they are autonomous, sovereign upon themselves, such that they can leave if they have to. And they have the emotional intelligence and relationship skill such that they rarely have to.
These men, who can be ‘there’, are the type of men I am here to help create through both Warrior Embodiment and Embodied Relating.
I saw a slight increase in sales recently for my book ‘Relationship Samurai – a man’s guide to owning himself & mastering his relationships’ (on Amazon). I’m hoping this means that something is stirring so that the numbers of men in the world doing ‘the work’ will increase. Because when they do it is a beautiful thing.
The ‘harsh truth’ about men and commitment is that most men had fathers who were there but not there. And as a result, they either emulate the same commitment style or have chosen to simply opt-out of even trying altogether.
And who can blame them (including my former self), when there is so little guidance out there for them?
